Mental Health: What's The Rush?

Restless energy is tied to everything that I am. It scares me to let go of this restlessness. Although it's suffocating, it's the only thing that's ever made me feel safe, but what started out as foot tapping and nail biting turned into panic attacks and palpitations. I don't know when or how these complicated feelings transformed into the anxiety that I am dealing with today. Maybe I've always been an anxious person who was just really good at hiding it. Nobody wants to deal with someone who complicates everything, whose body starts shaking when they're a minute later to a doctor's appointment, or whose throat starts to close up while they're chewing food. I thought it was normal to always feel out of breath, and I feel so sorry for the person I used to be because she blamed herself for something that had nothing to do with her. I seemingly master everything but myself, which is why I felt and continue to feel so empty sometimes. I self-sabotaged a lot of great experiences, and I kept telling myself that I deserved none of it. The lengths that we would go to  hurt ourselves is tragic. Pursuing perfection wasn't worth it. I should've stayed still longer. I should've savored and surrendered to each and every second longer. It's strange because it feels like I am re-learning how to coexist with myself. The things that once gave me satisfaction don't even scratch the surface of my appetite. If you ask me what it is that I want, I'll always say peace. Peace is not something that you must reach or earn, it simply is which is why I think that's the most profound state of being. If I could tell my younger self one thing, it would be: what's the rush? All that you'll ever need is right here.