Mental Health: The Stab of Grief & Other Things

It sneaks up on you when you least expect it, and once it gets a hold of you it doesn't let go. I catch myself thinking about her a lot. I keep trying to find fragments of her. Whether it's guessing what window her office used to be in as I pass my old high school or holding onto the first note she had ever written me, I try to make sense of her passing with all the pieces she left behind. At the edge of what feels like a crossroad, her light continues to guide me as I journey through the uncomfortable feelings of loss and confusion. Whenever I catch myself caving into restlessness and fear I think of her; her memory has become my mantra. I wonder what she would have told me if I was sitting in her office right now. The thing is though, nothing she could have ever said would have surpassed the way she made me feel. She made me feel safe. She made me feel seen. She made me feel special. Her empathy was magnetic, her voice was like a warm hug. I remember in high school I hated going to the lunchroom and she switched my lunch period for service hours in some dean's office. If it had been someone else I don't know if they would've understood me, but Mrs. Hrvatin saw me in all my anxious glory. There are still days I wish I could just run to her office and sit there and talk to her for hours, there's so much I still need to tell her. Maybe that's the point though, I don't have to because she already knows. When you lose someone you love, all you're left with is their essence, and if I had to glue together all the pieces she left for me it would be this: don't be afraid to lead with your heart.

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Jasmine <[email protected]>Sun, May 8, 2022, 10:25 PM
to Hrvatin

Hi Mrs. Hrvatin,

I suppose this is the last email I will ever be able to send to you. I cannot explain the impact you’ve had on my life in words. The potential you saw in me is something I had such a hard time seeing in myself and I wish I could just sit in your office one more time and tell you how much you mean to me. You’re not only a counselor to me, you’ve been a friend and I want nothing more than for you to finally be at peace. You are a warrior in every sense of the word and I will miss you so much that it makes my heart hurt just thinking about it. Thank you for being you, I am so glad I let that other student go ahead of me into the other guidance counselors office so that I could be led into yours. We were meant to meet, and I will carry your wisdom in everything that I do going forward. Thank you for all of it. For the deep conversations, for sitting with me, for understanding me. But more than anything, thank you for giving me you. 

Until we meet again someday in your guidance office,
Jasmine Singh