Reflection: The Present

What's the point of rushing life when you already know how it's going to end? It's a bittersweet thing when you realize that there's really nowhere else to go but here. Recently I've been feeling on edge, dangling in between the past and the future to prolong falling into the present. Living in the present moment feels like a scary place, at least to me. The past wraps around me like a warm blanket. It's comfortable, and I least I know it's going to hurt. It's a painfully cozy place. The future stretches beyond me, barley touching the hairs on my skin. It's far away and it's easy to spiral inside uncertainty. I've overstayed my welcome in both of these realms. 

Maybe I refuse to stay grounded in the present moment because coexisting with the present would require me to release all of the stories I've held onto. Sometimes it's easier to hold onto lies and fairytales than it is to accept what's really in front of you. If I let go of the past and the future, I'd be falling into the amorphous creature that is the present. You cannot attribute anything to the present, it simply exists as it is meant to exist. I am afraid of tethering to the endlessness that is the here and now. Everything and nothing matters when you live moment to moment. 

​I know it's good for me to release my grip on the past and the future. They don't exist, I am only holding onto my projections and assumptions of them and what they look like. It is in that release that you fall into what truly is, instead of creating all of these fruitless stories in your head, making interpretations for things that do not even exist. It's all about ripping apart what isn't real from what is, and that takes a lot of relearning, especially in a society that conditions you to do everything but live in the present.

​The truth is, all of the ties that I have to all of these things don't matter. The stories I've told about myself, the stories I've held onto, the stories I keep trying to bring to life, none of it matters. What does matter is this very moment, which we can find tucked away behind the strings of the unnecessary meanings we try to create for ourselves and for our lives. What if what we're looking for has already found us, right here, right now? 

In the present moment, I am nothing but what I am and that feels so damn liberating.