Reflection: The Longevity of Partnerships and Lessons On Romantic Love

This year I'm celebrating the 7th year of my relationship, a number that feels synonymous with change and growth. Relationships, especially romantic ones, are adventures within themselves. Time feels like sand when you're with someone you love; it slips through your fingers, and you're left wondering where it all went because you only want more. To commemorate this milestone, I want to jot down some lessons that I believe have contributed to the longevity of my relationship with my partner and that I hope might inspire you to observe relationships through a nuanced lens. 

1. To Love Someone Fully, You Must Accept Losing Them

Emotions don't matter as much as what fuels them. Love fueled by fear isn't love at all, but rather a mechanism of the ego to prevent pain. The fear of losing someone can make us do some pretty intense things, leaving us in damaging cycles of self-sabotage and insecurity. To fully and wholly love someone, you must embrace the possibility of losing them; only then can you bare your soul completely without expectations or limitations. Love and loss are truly one and the same thing; you can't master love without mastering the art of accepting loss. Realizing this builds the foundation for gratitude, and actually enjoying your relationship because you appreciate them and their presence even more.

2. Love Becoming a Choice

Sparks settle and the intensity of a relationship changes the longer you're in one. Love transitions from passive expectations of excitement and nuance to becoming more of a choice. When the flames wane, and you finally see the person in front of you for what they are, you must make a conscious choice to choose them, and ultimately your partnership, each and every single day. This means choosing this person despite the ebbs and flows of life. Choosing your partner everyday builds resilience, and it empowers you to hold onto your relationship.

3. The Art of Giving and Receiving Criticism 

Stubbornness only gets you so far in a relationship. I've ultimately become a fuller version of myself because I opened my heart to my partner's criticisms. There were patterns and cycles that weren't serving me, and I believe that if someone truly loves you, they won't be afraid to tell you what's wrong with you because they can't stand seeing you hurt and sabotage yourself. Mastering the art of listening to and giving criticism helps you to develop yourself and your relationship because you're building trust in each other's judgement. 

4. Being Circles, Not Halves  

Instead of being each other's halves, me and my partner are two wholes. I do not complete him, nor does he complete me. Instead of filling a shallow void, we add to each other's lives by being separate wholes. Being halves of each other inherently means that I need him to complete me, which doesn't set us up for a successful relationship because the emptiness that comes with putting all of my expectations in him would actually hurt the relationship. I rather my partner be an expression of their whole selves so that when we can come together, its us showing up as our entire selves and not just a self to appease the other person.

5. Conviction in Your Bond 

There's a lot of noise that happens when you look for validation about your relationship. Seeking external validation from others on whether you are making the right decision means that you do not have enough conviction in your relationship, which will very quickly result in it falling apart. You need to trust that the bond you have with your partner is gold, which sometimes requires having to stick it out even when things feel uneasy. It's important to have faith in the process and unfolding of your relationship; nobody can or should tell you how to feel about your partner. That's just a decision you're going to have to make with your heart if you care enough about them and the relationship.

6. The Grass is Green Where You Water It

At some point, the perpetual desire to find someone better becomes an illusion. Sometimes it's not about finding better, but rather it's about caring for what you already have. Relationships are like gardens; they're only as beautiful as you care for it, so it's important to water the grass where you already are before you give up on it so that you can see its full potential. The fruits of a relationship come with time and patience. 

7. Limit Projections, Embrace Reality

When we're with someone, it's easy to project ourselves onto them and what we expect them to be but when that happens we're not choosing to love the person that's in front us, but rather this idealized version of them. Changing someone to be who you want them to be will only cause suffering. You need to radically accept the other person as they are, even the fragments of them that you don't understand. With acceptance comes clarity, allowing you to appreciate your partner's  quirks.