Reflection: Spontaneity

Uncertainty is the only thing that is certain in our universe, and I despite that. It's as if the root of my existence leans on a bending wall that could snap at any moment. Some find that depressing, while others might find it liberating. I'm learning to bend the wall towards liberation, even though I can't help but feel overwhelmed by this lack of control over my life.

There have been moments in my life that felt so unplanned yet so aligned, as if everything that I had ever wanted was thrown out the window in exchange for what I actually needed. It's hard to admit that you might not always know what's best for you. After all, the "self" is made up of misconceptions and assumptions; we look at ourselves through distorted lens, neglecting to fully absorb what we truly are and instead absorbing who we think we are in relation to everything outside of us. The noise gets louder the more you try to suppress yourself, which is something I unfortunately mastered. 

There is this deep friction that I feel with this idea that I am allowed to be what I am. Throughout my life, I've sought permission, validation, and approval as the form of a chameleon. The issue in trying to blend in everywhere you end up belonging nowhere, not even to yourself. I also think my deep disdain for spontaneity motivated me to take as much control as I could over the way others perceived me, which ultimately pooled into other aspects of my life. I wasn't just a chameleon, I was a cage, a box, a checklist, a deadline. Sometimes I felt like a measurement instead of a real person because I was so disassociated from myself. 

It wasn't until a short while ago that I realized that to live a good life (not a perfect one, mind you) you need to create space for spontaneity. Trying to squeeze my life into a box just so that I don't take up space or have to deal with discomfort isn't healthy. It feels vulnerable to be spontaneous because in doing so, you're saying that you trust in whatever is planned for you. Lacking that trust is what creates this chameleon guts in the first place. 

Some thoughts that I've been using to challenge my aversion to spontaneity are:

• How will I know who I truly am if I assume that who I am right now is who I'll always be?
• Why do I need to fill up my time with things I think I need to be doing? Do these things even bring me joy anymore?
• How can I welcome new experiences and possibilities in my life if I choose old patterns and habits that no longer serve me?
• Why does a lack of structure make me feel uncomfortable?
• What can I do at this moment to release my grip and allow spontaneity into my life?
• Has controlling this aspect of my life really given me the outcomes that I wanted? Or has it stifled it?
• What's the worst that can happen?
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The truth is, the world isn't going to end if I don't have something to do. Creating space allows for more things  to grow as you release the things that you've outgrown. It's in silence and stillness that we find clarity, allowing for the magic of spontaneity to play its part. Focusing too much on what's straight ahead takes away the possibilities that are around us. We miss a lot of things on the way if we focus too much on getting things "right" all the time. You can't bloom if you hold yourself too tightly; release your grip, and see what happens. It might surprise you, but that's exactly the point.