Mental Health: Falling In Love With Fear

The fear of not having everything figured out is rattling inside of me like coins in a jar. There is this gnawing restlessness, frustration, and dread that I've had a hard time shaking off recently. As I get older, it feels like a veil has been lifted. I thought I knew what would be on the other side, but to my dismay, it seemed there was nothing actually behind it. I know I should be easier on myself; I am an amateur at this thing called life - it's my first time, but boy do I feel like I need to get it right. The thought of not having made the right decision paralyzes me, even though I know what's worse is not having made a decision at all. I am still learning how to master the art of making authentic choices; it's an art form that feels all too lost in this oversaturated and overstimulated world. There's just too much noise; you can't hear your intuition when you're consumed by the voices and experiences of others. How much of my life am I spending trying to understand other people's lives?

There were many things I thought I needed, but those needs quickly dissolved once I realized their only purpose was to fill a void in my life. I gave up trying to fill the void, and instead lived in it and called it home these past few months. The void is a dark, sticky liminal space drained of any sense of comfort or validation. Truth is, I didn't know I'd end up being there for as long as I have been. The feeling of the unknown scared me so much that I decided putting myself in a hole and becoming a sort of emotionally withdrawn hermit made more sense.  I didn't know what to feel, so I chose to feel nothing, but wisdom has taught me that all feelings must be felt to live a balanced life, even terrible ones.

​It's uncomfortable to admit you aren't where you thought you'd be. I imagined so much more for myself at this age, but maybe I'm looking at it all wrong because there are so many things I couldn't have imagined that have happened to me in the best possible way. Regardless, the fear of not having tasted the “secret sauce” of life whilst it seems like everyone else knows the recipe is daunting. I don't want fear to be the fuel of my life forever, but fear is important. It shakes you up, startles you, and forces you to do something differently, even if it turns you into a shell of a person.

Falling in love with fear sounds contradictory; how can we love something that makes us feel so icky? Fear, however, isn't inherently bad. It's a sensation that rises and falls, and  how it impacts us depends on how we choose to meet it. I've been judging myself for my fear, treating it like a disease instead of fully embracing it as a natural rite of passage. I should be scared - things are changing. I've become a shell of myself to make room for the person I'm becoming, and meeting fear with love will help lead the way. It's important that we give ourselves grace during hard times. When we allow ourselves to fully unravel, there's no telling what beautiful thing we might become.

“Fear keeps us focused on the past or worried about the future. If we can acknowledge our fear, we can realize that right now we are okay.”
 - Thich Nhat Hanh