Book Review: Not Nice

Isn't being nice a good thing? "Not Nice" by Dr. Aziz Gazipura answers that question in a completely against-the-grain kind of way.  The root of the issue lies in the reason for wanting to be nice. If it comes from a place of fear and wanting to be accepted, validated, and liked by others, then you're not really being nice. Instead, you're just running away from feelings that you're too afraid to feel. Being nice isn't necessarily a bad thing or a good thing; it's bland, neutral, and uninspiring.

In the process of trying to be perceived as "nice", you lose yourself and the zest that makes life exciting. For me, niceness was intertwined with how I saw myself. I could only be loved, valued, and respected if I bent over backwards for everyone and everything. This extreme desire translated into me striving to be palatable to other people. If I was quiet, agreeable, easy to talk to, and attentive to everyone else's needs, then maybe, just maybe, people would like me enough to keep me around, but that approach is kind of ridiculous.

Underneath this mask of standing at the corner of every room and nodding my head viciously to seem like I agree with you is someone who actually doesn't care at all. This idea that making everyone else happy will make my life easier is a complete and utter lie created to exploit people like me by those who misuse their power, charisma, and confidence. Nice people don't usually attract more nice people - they attract energy drainers who take advantage of them. There's comfort in doing things the same way that you've always done them, even if it isn't necessarily good for you.

​Being nice, in a lot of ways, is what has caused me a lot of internal conflict. On one hand, I want to be pleasant to be around, but I also want to be authentic, which means saying what's on my mind and standing up for the little girl who is waiting to show the world who she really is; someone who wants to not just be alive, but also feel alive. I'm not that little girl being peer pressured to fit in or look good on the surface. I'm allowed not to have my shit together, to make mistakes, and to follow my heart even when nobody else gets it. In an attempt to feel like I belong, I censored my soul, thinking that that was the only way to be seen by the world but all it made me was an emotional punching bag for people who didn't actually care about me. I don't want to live the rest of my life acting like a character wanting to be desperately accepted by the world. I'm no special, and that's how I like it.

This book really challenged me to re-examine myself and the kinds of messaging that I was putting out into the world through being overly nice. Some quotes from the book that really resonated with me:

1. "People are not porcelain dolls that will shatter if you speak the truth. People are strong and can handle life...when you treat them that way, you're treating them with the respect and dignity they deserve."

2. "The truth is, we don't have control of whether people like us or not. The only thing we have control over is how fully we show up. How boldly and freely we can be ourselves around others in the world."

3. "The guilt bubble is like, "an energy field. It surrounds us everywhere we go. It distorts reality and turns neutral events into terrible, bad things we've done to hurt others and destroy the world."

4."When we are insecurely attached, we can feel like we have to earn love and continually keep people close to us by not making mistakes, never upsetting, and otherwise being "good."