|
I feel like my life is a circus, hoping that nobody else can see the mess I've made as I balance on the edge of being a train wreck. Why can't I be good enough right now? In the absence of accomplishment and the pursuit of something "greater", who am I? When will it be my turn to experience alignment and fulfillment? These questions are elusive. I can never really grasp them, no matter how far I stretch my arms. That doesn't seem to matter to me though; these questions have become a mild obsession, an addiction to try and make sense of things that are senseless. Comparing myself to others is something that has taken up a lot of space in my life recently, fueled by the fear of feeling left behind and unworthy as a result of it.
The ceaseless wanting and desire for "more" is an internal plague. It makes me want to rip myself apart just so that I can glue myself back in a way where I can fit in. Maybe if I tore myself into pieces, and rearranged them in a certain way, life wouldn't feel so cruel but the truth is I am being cruel to myself when I choose to carve myself into shapes just to fit into other people's ideas of what it means to live a good life. Rejection can make you do a lot of wild things, and as an emotional outlet for the complex feelings that arise from it, I've started painting again. When I got rejected by Fulbright (and a plethora of other things), I was gifted a bouquet of sympathy sunflowers, carnations, and dianthus. They were decaying as the gap widened between my rejections and the present moment. The petals were mangled, twisted, and curled. The center of the flowers were rotting, and the water line began to develop a milky film coating. I wanted to capture this feeling, and so as the flowers were taking their last breath, I decided to paint with them. It felt poetic to use something dead to bring the feeling of rejection to life. I didn't imagine rejection to look so colorful, but it just felt like the best way to depict the confusion and chaos that I was experiencing inside. Like many of our lives, there is no rhyme or reason to the painting. If you look close enough, you can see the stencil of some of the petals, whereas in other parts of the painting you can't really make out what's happening. When I finished the background, something felt missing. Although I captured the chaos metaphorically (and literally by using flowers that symbolized loss and confusion), I wanted to include something dark to contrast that. I've always loved The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka, and as someone interested in the Kafkaesque, I knew his roach would be the perfect focal point. The roach is contained in this almost permeable, thick black border - it looks like it could just about escape it if it wanted to, but it doesn't. The roach is contained, stuck, and trapped. This painting, in essence, is trying to bottle up a feeling rather than depict something that is concrete and real. You can't necessarily see your feelings; this was my attempt at trying to visualize mine. I'm still hopeful for the roach though. Even though it is contained, you still get a sense that it's not always going to be stuck there as it inches closer toward the border. It's moving forward, not behind. Even though it can't see a way out right now, that doesn't mean there will never be a way out. Rejection is redirection. When things get taken from you, there is more space for what is meant for you.
0 Comments
Anthropodermic books, or books made out of human skin. This sentence alone can stir a lot of feelings. After reading The Butchering Art, I felt like I could stomach a book like Dark Archives: A Librarian's Investigation into the Science and History of Books Bound in Human Skin by Megan Rosenbloom. I experienced discomfort, curiosity, and slight disgust as I discovered the not so ancient and disturbing art of using human skin as a medium for binding books.
Human skin book binding sounds so far fetched - what kind of person would consciously go through the painstaking process of prepping and tanning human skin, especially for something as trivial as book covers? A pattern that is emphasized by Rosenbloom is that many of these books were owned by professionals in the medical field. I suppose if someone were to value a human skin book, it would be somebody who is fascinated (and maybe mildly obsessed) with the human body. Surgeons and doctors during the 1800s — the time period when many of these human skin books were bound — were essentially, for a lack of better terms, amateur butchers whose profession wielded power over the bodies of the poor, sick, and suffering. The absence of medical consent and dignity meant that medical researchers and professionals could harvest human bodies guilt free, even if it meant digging up graves (grave robbers) or repurposing the bodies of criminals, the poor, and the sick. Although there is a lot of mystery surrounding anthropodermic books, Rosenbloom poetically brings these skin books back to life, exposing a history of power imbalances. Whether its an institutionalized woman (Des destinées de l'ame) , a criminal (Narrative of the Life of James Allen), or a poor woman (Recueil des secrets), there is something deeply disturbing and fascinating about these books, and the people who chose to bind them in human skin. It's an intensely gross process, akin to the process of preparing and tanning animal skin. It's hard to imagine that a piece of someone's body was used in this way, or is it? Human beings can be pretty cruel; what makes binding a book in human skin different from everything else? There is no scale for things like this. Human book binding is one of the many instances of how we human beings try to posses one another. Whether its war, collapse, or humiliation, it appears that we care more about getting our point across than actually caring about each other. These books are symbols of power, and of how we humans covet having the last laugh over humility. Human skin books are a double edged sword. Although they are the remains of someone who was once living, they are also a testament to a very real, and very strange and dark time. I don't think we should bury these books; doing so would only make it feel less real and more distant. We need reminders of such cruel and gruesome artifacts to have something to anchor onto as we navigate towards our better, collective potential. I don't want to forget history, I want to see its ugly, disturbing face. I want to be shaken; if you aren't rattled, then nothing will ever change. |
Categories
All
Archives
June 2026
|